


Not yet understood

by Philosoferre



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Character Study, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-23
Updated: 2017-04-23
Packaged: 2018-10-23 02:31:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,057
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10710330
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Philosoferre/pseuds/Philosoferre
Summary: Why should you?The voice in Castiel’s head sounds suspiciously like Dean, but that doesn’t matter right now. The questions rings out once again, sharper than before.Why should you?





	Not yet understood

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first Supernatural fic, so... go easy on me. Comments and kudos are always appreciated! :)

_Fate decides who comes into your life; your heart decides who stays_

 

~

 

There was a time when Heaven had been Castiel’s favourite place. There was a time when he used to stroll through its many gardens, sit by one of its ever-flowing rivers, and think: _there is no place that can compare to Heaven. There is nothing better._ But now, well-

 

_The Impala. Cas is lying on the backseat, leather sticking to his skin. If he focuses enough, he can see the stars through his handprint on the window. He feels Dean’s heavy, uneven breath. The window fogs up again._

Maybe Heaven isn’t his favourite place anymore. There are so many things down on Earth he can’t get up there, so many things he’d rather have. Besides, Heaven isn’t what it used to be. It’s not the paradise everyone believes it to be anymore.

 

Cas is standing in that long-gone Heaven now. He’s surrounded by angels he’ll never see again – angels he _killed_ , and the pain is still there. It’s still raw, and he can’t bring himself to look at them. They can’t see him, but, still… he wasn’t brought back to face his guilt, and he can’t give in to it.

 

Or maybe he was?

 

God had been rather vague with his orders – _I’m sending you back, way back, before Lucifer rebelled. Before I cast him down to Hell._

_And what am I supposed to do?_ Castiel had asked.

 

_Kill him. I hate to do this, but it’s the only way… it’s the only way we can prevent any of this from happening. No Lilith. No Azazel. No Apocalypse._

Maybe he had been sent back to confront his guilt? To think about what he had done? Cas supposes it’s for the better, really. He should’ve stayed in Purgatory, he didn’t deserve to be saved. He had done such terrible things, and nothing could ever make up for that. He had destroyed Heaven, killed his brothers and sisters, and-

 

And he had let Dean down.

 

Dean had so much faith in him, and he had cast it all away and brought him down so hard, he was afraid he could never help him up again. Sure, Dean forgave him after a while, but Cas never forgave himself. He could never forgive himself.

 

Cas watches the angels around him, oblivious to his presence. Mankind hasn’t been created yet, this much he knows. He can sense it. It’s just them, in their close-knit celestial community, and a planet full of possibilities below. He reluctantly brings his thoughts back to the situation at hand, and keeps an eye out for Lucifer. God had given him a job, an order, and he has to do it, like the good, faithful soldier he is.

_Why should you?_

The voice in Castiel’s head sounds suspiciously like Dean, but that doesn’t matter right now. The questions rings out once again, sharper than before.

 

_Why should you?_

Cas tilts his head, narrows his eyes. Why should he kill Lucifer? Because God had told him to? No, that wouldn’t do. If Dean was here, he’d tell him that that was a pathetic excuse. That he had choices, and he didn’t have to do everything he was told. Team Free Will, and all that. So why had he agreed, and why is he standing here, waiting for the right moment to stab his brother in the back?

 

If God is right, and killing Lucifer will mean that the Apocalypse will never happen, then that also means that Castiel will never make a deal with Crowley. He’ll never start a civil war in Heaven, he’ll never kill Raphael, and he’ll never eat all those souls from Purgatory. He’ll never become as selfish as he had been, he’ll never let the Leviathans out, Bobby will never die… all of that is good, isn’t it?

 

_But is that really all, Cas?_ The Dean voice in his head asks. _Aren’t there other things you’re forgetting to factor in?_

Cas sighs. Obviously, he hadn’t thought about the Winchesters yet. What would become of them, if he kills Lucifer? Sam will never turn to demon blood, and he’ll never kill Lilith, and the Apocalypse will never start. Dean will never sell his soul to some petty crossroads demon to make sure Sam stays alive, because Sam will never be psychic, and Azazel will never kill their mother, because he will never exist. Dean will never go to Hell. Sam will never have to leave Stanford – maybe he’ll get his happy ending with Jess, the one Cas is still sure he desperately wants. Their father will never have to watch his wife burn, and he’ll never become a hunter to avenge her death. Sam and Dean will have a normal life, and they’ll never have to watch their friends die in horrible ways.

 

In short, they’ll get what they’ve always wanted. Maybe Dean will get his chance with Lisa, and he’ll finally have a family.

 

_Well, you don’t want that, now do you?_ Cas can see Dean smirking, he can see those gorgeous green eyes watch his every move. _You want me all to yourself, and you’re not willing to let Lisa have me. But you know what, Cas? I kind of like it._

Dean has a point, unfortunately. Cas really doesn’t want to give him up, especially to someone as undeserving and plain as Lisa. He doesn’t even know what Dean saw in her in the first place, and he spent a year watching them, watching _over_ them. Dean doesn’t know how many times Cas saved his life, how many times he killed a demon or whatever before it could go after him. But maybe it would be for the best, if Dean had Lisa instead.

 

_Don’t make the decision just yet,_ Dean says. _I know there’s something else. Don’t do something you’ll regret later on, Cas. Think about everything._

Cas tries to ignore the voice in his head, he really does. But it’s just hard when it’s Dean, because he’s never been able to completely ignore him. It’s starting to become a bit of a problem – well, to be honest, Balthazar had been telling him that from the moment they met – but Cas can overlook that. He sits down on the bench by his favourite fountain, the one with all the rose petals in it. He remembers that day. Gabriel had thought it’d be funny to raid Michael’s newly-planted rose garden, and Michael had responded by attempting to drown him in the fountain.

 

It was the first time Castiel could remember any of the angels showing a sense of humour. He sighs despondently. Both Gabriel and Michael are dead, now, anyways. It isn’t going to help to think about what they were once like.

 

Cas sighs and looks down at the ground. If he kills Lucifer, then any importance that had been given to the Winchesters will be gone. They’ll be just another family, living in the suburbs in Lawrence, Kansas, never destined to save the world, or bring it down. And that means that Cas will never meet Dean. Or Sam.

 

He’ll never raise Dean from perdition, never leave that handprint on his shoulder that marked him as someone different, someone special. He’ll never walk into that abandoned warehouse, and he’ll never take Jimmy Novak as his vessel. Jimmy will get to live his normal life, and he’ll never have to leave his wife and daughter behind.

 

Cas will never learn that he can choose freedom, that he has choices. He’ll never know what emotions feel like. He’ll never meet Dean.

 

_Dean, who drags him out of whatever motel they’re in, when Sam’s asleep, just so they can sit on a stolen blanket, and he can listen to Castiel’s stories about the stars until he falls asleep._

_Dean, who reluctantly shares his pie with Cas, because he wants to know what every flavour tastes like. And, God, does it taste disgusting, but Cas still eats it because Dean likes it, and his soul seams to shine a little brighter every time._

Cas doesn’t ever want to give up the vomit-inducing pie Dean shares with him. Balthazar always told him he was a bit of a sap, but that’s okay. Dean doesn’t seem to mind. Cas knows he only has a limited amount of time to make his decision – in another hour or so, God will bring him back, and he’ll expect the job to be done. He’ll except Lucifer to be killed.

 

And speaking of Dean… if Cas does kill Lucifer, he’ll never know what _it_ feels like. He feels dirty just thinking about it, here in Heaven. Angels were never meant to experience it, they were never meant to feel such impurities. It goes completely against his nature, but Cas… well, he rather likes it. If he kills Lucifer, he’ll never know what Dean’s hands feel like, what it feels like to have someone else fall asleep in his arms. He’ll never know how adorable Dean is in the morning, before he’s really awake.

 

And, well, that’s not necessarily the worst possible thing, but he likes it, and he wants to keep it.

 

_The lights are closed, because Sam is finally asleep after a hard day’s work, and Dean doesn’t want to wake him up. Even in the darkness, Cas can see him. He feels the warmth radiating from Dean’s hands. He hears his ragged breathing, feels it hot against his neck. He turns his head. They kiss, slow and open-mouthed. Cas likes kissing Dean. It feels good, it feels right._

Cas abruptly pulls away from his rather inappropriate thoughts, and glances up to see Lucifer. He pauses. It’s now or never. He only gets this one chance to end all his pain, all his guilt – to stop everything from happening. He has one chance to kill Lucifer.

 

_So what will it be?_ Dean asks.

 

Cas smiles to himself, and shakes his head. He wonders what Dean is doing right now, back on Earth. Maybe he’s eating pie, or setting up a ‘surprise party’ for Cas when he returns – Cas frowns. Dean doesn’t know what’ll happen if Lucifer is killed. He doesn’t know that they’ll never meet, that he and Sam will live normal lives. Cas stands up. Lucifer is getting closer to him.

 

He takes a step forward, slides the shining angel blade out of his coat sleeve. It feels incredibly heavy in his hands.

 

_Is this how Dean feels? He carries so much weight on his shoulders, so many burdens that aren’t his._

Cas takes another step forward. If he aims it perfectly, the blade would hit Lucifer, and this would all be over. Cas raises his hand, narrows his eyes.

 

_Dean reaching for Cas in Purgatory, yelling until the last second for him to come on, go through the portal. Cas holding back Dick Roman’s head, watching intensely as Dean stabs him through the neck. Cas placing his hand on Sam’s forehead, taking away all those horrible memories of the Cage from him. Dean giving him back his trench coat, welcoming him back in. Dean keeping him upright, as Bobby opens up the gates of Purgatory. Cas killing the demon that was after Dean, because he still cares too much about him. Cas warning Dean about Sam’s soul, because he doesn’t want him to lose his brother again._

_Cas, sacrificing everything he ever had, everything he’s ever known, for Dean._

The blade feels too heavy. Cas lets it drop from his grip. He keeps his gaze on Lucifer, watches as he walks right past him without so much as a glance. He sighs, and slowly walks away. Maybe he’s always been selfish. Maybe he’ll always _be_ selfish. Maybe, he’s too far from redemption, and he’ll only ever think of himself.

 

But he’d rather have Dean Winchester, cursed or not. Because Dean has always been destined for things greater than a normal life, and he can’t take that greatness away from him.

 

Cas knows that God will be angry with him, for not doing what he was told. He doesn’t feel any regret, though, and he can’t bring himself to try. He’ll deal with God’s wrath when he has to. But now… well, he still has Dean waiting for him on Earth. And that’s really all that matters.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed!!! I'm on tumblr at epo-nine <3


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